Discovering your husband or wife has been cheating on you is one of the most difficult and life changing moments a person can ever experience. There are some things in life like gravity for example that one believes will never change. No one believes their spouse would ever be unfaithful and then when it happens it feels like their world has been thrown upside down. The trauma it causes can’t fully be understood unless you have experienced it. Men and women who have been hurt by infidelity say they can’t concentrate, they can’t carry out daily responsibilities, they can’t sleep, they can’t eat, and they sometimes have suicidal thoughts. No one should go through this pain alone. Having the support of a small number of friends or trustworthy family members and a good therapist is critical.
For those of you who will not reconcile with their spouse either because your unfaithful spouse is unrepentant or because you don't want to remain married, I would like to encourage you. The sun will come out for you again someday. You will not be imprisoned forever in your cell of depression and anger. It may take a year but happiness is in your future. For those who will reconcile, there is much hope that your marriage will not only recover but also thrive. Many of the couples I’ve counseled say their marriage enters into a honeymoon period 6 to 12 months later after they began therapy.
Phases of Therapy
In either case, counseling is very important to help you recover. For reconciling couples, I take them through a 3-stage process:
1) The unfaithful spouse must come to a place of humility and contrition for what they have done.
2) The hurt spouse needs many months to heal from the trauma and
3) The unfaithful spouse must have a clear understanding why they were unfaithful and then build firewalls in their life to make sure it never happens again.
For those who divorce, individual counseling is important to work through the sadness and anger and eventually forgive, grieve the many losses that come from infidelity and divorce, and prepare to have successful relationships in the future. You can’t go around a sea of pain, you must go through it.
I Can Help. Learn More.
Our Marriage Intensive is a three-day weekend event designed for couples who are in crisis because of infidelity and have lost hope. The program is modeled after the most effective marital interventions currently used in the country today. Use the form below to express interest in learning more about this revolutionary way to recover from an affair.