In the movie about King Arthur called First Knight (Sean Connery and Richard Gere), the King makes an interesting comment to Lancelot. He said “I can’t slice you up into pieces, I have to love all of you or none of you.” He had great affection for Lancelot. The King knew Lancelot wasn’t perfect, but he loved him anyway.

More than ever before, I realize how powerful this concept is in marriage. Let’s say for example your wife is upset because her mom is coming in town this weekend unexpectedly. You wonder why this is upsetting because she loves her mom and this should be a nice surprise. But if you truly accept her for exactly who she is, you also accept her emotions. By accepting her completely, you may say “I understand that, she has to rearrange her entire weekend plans to accommodate her mom.”

Similarly, your husband may become snarky and irritable from the time you park at the airport until your board the plane. Your typical response might be to get angry and inevitably a fight breaks out. But if you accept him for exactly who he is, you think to yourself “yeah, traveling is stressful and I know he doesn’t like crowds.”

We do this more easily with our kids. We love them because we choose to, not because they are behaving. If we only loved them when they had good behavior, there would be many hours in the day when we didn’t love them. Sadly, very often our love for our spouse is conditional and based on their behavior rather on choosing to love them in all circumstances.

Accepting one another means, “I don’t expect you to change, you are amazing just the way you are.” When you are able to do this, your affection grows because you like your spouse all the time, not just when he / she is being nice. It’s also good for your spouse because when your spouse feels accepted, his / her emotions are validated. We all feel loved when someone validates our emotions.

So, accepting your spouse means they don’t have to be in a good mood, treat you nice all the time, or even accept you for who you are. It means you have low expectations. You love because you choose to, not because they earn it.